5 Ingredients For Great Christian Married Sex

As a counselor, a common complaint I hear from Christian married couples is unsatisfactory sexuality. What makes great Christian sex? Here are 5 essential ingredients for not just healthy sex, but great Christian sex!

1. Naked and Not Ashamed

Genesis 2:25 gives the building blocks to a solid foundation of a healthy marriage and sexuality: Intimacy. Dictionary.com defines shame as “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, and ridiculous.” Adam and Eve had just met, and yet they felt “naked and not ashamed.” There was an emotional, physical, and spiritual safety. Great sex is a by product of such intimacy between two people.

2. Fly Solo with your Spouse

The sweetest sex occurs by taking the time to nurture the relationship with one person over time. Some say staying married to the same person is boring. Quite the contrary! It becomes an adventure to walk the twists and turns with your mate on this journey called life. We get to rediscover our spouse a new over time with the added benefit of knowing them from the past.

3. Have it!

In the busyness of life, it is amazing how easy sex is neglected in married couples. This can happen in all phases of marriage: newlywed, small children, adolescent children and empty nest. Somehow we think great sex comes when everything has to be perfect: the lighting, the place, the music. These are the icing, but sometimes you just have the cake, which can be equally satisfying.

4. Pleasurable techniques

Each spouse desires to satisfy their spouse sexually, yet may feel inadequate because they may lack the practical know-how. As a counselor, I usually suggest married spouses begin with just stimulating the erogenous zones of the body – the genitals and breasts, and then begin communicating what is pleasurable. Find some resources to educate yourself on the practice of lovemaking, and implement them.

5. Communication

Communication is simply talking about everything that makes sex better. Ambience, places, technique, and frequency are good ideas to begin to discuss with your spouse. Your spouse cannot please you sexually if he/she is unaware of your preferences. You and your spouse can become the best sex coaches for your marriage if you are willing to communicate your sexual needs and desires.

What about you? Are you experiencing great sex as a Christian married couple? Perhaps you need to find some time to have sex. Or maybe you need to get some valuable resources to educate yourself on better techniques to satisfy you spouse. Are you rediscovering your spouse? Remember, God desires sex for married couples to not be good, but great!

Therapy for Sex Addiction: Dealing With Intimacy

Any definition, discussion or exploration of compulsive sexuality begins thusly:

“Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder characterized by” blah, blah, blah.

Then it goes on to name the symptoms: pre-occupation with thoughts sexual; persistent, unrelenting urges to sexually act out; continued use despite adverse consequences, loss of control and so forth.

Such definitions are frustratingly vague. While emphasis is given to the symptoms of sex addiction, the idea of it being “an intimacy disorder” never seems to be addressed. This is unfortunate, indeed. I think a “disordered” pattern of intimate relations is at the core and foundation of this debilitating syndrome.

Vanilla sex addiction, fetishism, exhibitionism/voyeurism, BDSM, and all the other various and moribund kinds of sexual perversions are fueled by the very basic (and healthy) motivation to connect.

Sadly, somehow or other, the urge to connect is misfired. Rather than seeking a real relationship with a real person who might, in fact, satisfy some of one’s real relational needs, the sexually compulsive tries to connect with the “unreal” in fantasy. It is a solo act. Sex, for a person who has a perversion or addiction, is always a narcissistic, self-centered endeavor. It is not related sex. The endorphin rush of the sexual high is so dear to them that it precludes any idea of sharing sexual pleasure with a cherished one in the service of enhancing a bond.

What is intimacy?

Let’s look at the word “intimacy”. From the dictionary: the word is derived from the Latin intima, meaning “inner” or “inner-most.” The definition suggests that to be intimate, you need to know your real self. This ability to be in touch with our inner core is a requisite to being intimate.

Our intima holds the innermost part of ourselves, our most profound feelings, our enduring motivations, our values, our sense of right and wrong and our most embedded convictions about life. Importantly, our intima also includes that which enables us to express these innermost aspects of our person to “the other”.

So, to be in relationship, and to know yourself/your partner sexually, you need to know and respect your intima. The intima is also the way in which we value and esteem ourselves and determines how we are with being with others. To put it simply, if don’t value yourself, you can’t value another. If you’re not aware of needs and wants, or are shamed by them, then sex becomes no more than a fuck.

I think every person I’ve ever seen in my consulting room for sexual compulsions suffers from estrangement from his intimus. We can survive the disapproval of others. The feeling can be painful, but it’s nothing compared to the disapproval of ourselves. Your personal well being and your ability to love another cannot survive your dislike or disrespect of yourself. If you dislike yourself, you’ll never be comfortable with your sexuality.

It bears repeating… the outstanding quality of intimacy is the sense of being in touch with our real selves. When “the other” also knows and is able to express his/her real self, intimacy happens. Sexuality is both an expression of that intimacy and a bond that enhances intimacy. With this kind of personal/sexual intimacy, our growth experience as humans is energized, enhanced, and fueled. Intimacy is the most meaningful and courageous of human experiences. It’s why people long for it so.

The Perils of Intimacy

However, despite this universal longing, fear and avoidance of intimacy is a reality for many people. People fear and even dread that which they most long for. No wonder there’s such a demand for psychotherapists!

So why would people fear, avoid or sabotage this wonderful thing called intimacy and, in the process, avoid person-related sex?

Sexual compulsion is the end point, the tip of the iceberg, if you will, of a long history of developmental events that begin in early attachment difficulties with caretakes, subsequent overwhelming experiences the child is unable to assimilate, an impaired ability to regulate feelings and impaired self-development.

The capacity for bonding with others is vital for human survival and well-being. Our capacity for intimacy is formed in the crucible of the first two years of life. Mothers that are needy, narcissistic, depressed, enmeshed (over-involved), distant, too protective, controlling, chronically angry, addicted to substances, frustrated with their husbands and displace their needs onto their children… raise children who have the psychic imprint of closeness as being dangerous. They also raise children who will carry self-hatred into their adult lives unless they get good treatment.

If the child’s need for attention, soothing, stimulation, affection, touch, discipline, validation, and so on goes unmet, or is met with feedback that is punishing, invalidating or rejecting, the consequences are woven into the structure of the developing personality. Such children may turn into themselves and disconnect from others, regulating their emotions through the use of substances or process addiction, like sex. They fail to learn to utilize others to soothe or comfort themselves. This increases the child’s vulnerability to mental health problems. These people actively seek familiar environmental interaction, thereby recreating and reenacting familiar early rejections and frustrations with others. They spend their lives further cementing their original isolation.

They develop a rigid defense system (boundaries, walls, turning inward to not need others) in order to psychologically survive. But what worked for them as children doesn’t work for them as adults. For these people, the vulnerability of intimacy harkens back to a time when they were vulnerable as children and they fear re-traumatization in their current relationship.

When a person like this is loved – seen in an affirmative light and encouraged to grow and change – this rigid defensive structure is threatened, so their psychological equilibrium is disrupted. Being loved is not congruent with the negative tapes they run about themselves. They can’t allow the reality of being loved to affect their basic defensive structure. Being vulnerable and open to change feels so threatening that they eschew close relationships and mature sexuality.

Entering into a relationship without having some resolution of childhood wounds results in various kinds of fear of intimacy: fear of being found inadequate, fear of engulfment, fear of the loss of control, fear of losing autonomy, fear of attack, fear of disappointment and betrayal, fear of guilt and fear of rejection and abandonment and so forth.

For this reason, I believe that current sex addiction therapy doesn’t go far enough. Focusing on symptom change techniques, such as relapse prevention, abstinence and social skills training, is necessary, but not sufficient. Successful treatment for sexual compulsions ultimately depends on a depth-approach that can ameliorate the underlying attachment disorders and manifestations in adult intimacy. Literally, a new pattern of way of attaching needs to be “carved” into the brain – the person learns a totally different model of relating.

Tips and Methods For Safer Sex

Sex is the most pleasing activity of our life. Its attractions and rewards are enormous. It is not untrue to say ‘no sex no life.’ Life without sex will certainly become a dull and bore routine, meaningless and fruitless. While this natural process is full of such tremendous excitements, it is also full of life threatening hazards.

We all know the alarming situation of sexually transmitted diseases, where AIDS or HIV is more dominant and deadly. The toll is rising fast since people seek illegitimate sexual outlets where you do not know your sexual partners’ standing (perhaps you are not the only one having sex with him or her); you do not know with what diseases he or she is suffering from. The answer to such a question is, avoid unprotected sex with new partners or while having sex outside the marriage boundary. But how safe is the use of condom, is it 100% safe?

The safest mean, of course, is the sexual relations between a husband and wife. This is what we consider the natural limits. When we cross any limit set by the nature, it will certainly punish us. Anal sex and sex between two identical sexes, all are like crossing the nature’s boundary that invites certain punishments. As a result of crossing the limits set up by the nature, we find the rising cases of sexually transmitted diseases, and the life threatening hazards of AIDS or HIV.

Unprotected sex invites negative consequences, such as incurable diseases (HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis, and Herpes), curable diseases (Syphilis, Chlamydia, Gonnorhea), Infertility, Cervical cancer, unwanted pregnancy and other complications associated with its termination, etc.

It is not fair and logical to advice to stay away from sex to save oneself from getting any sexually transmitted disease. Sex is a great gift of the nature which has to be enjoyed as much as possible. You can’t stay away from sex and yet find the life enjoyable. Of course legitimate sex between a wife and husband is the safest mean to enjoy with this precious gift, but it is, of course, not always possible. We should, therefore, try to find more tips and methods for safer sex.

The use of condom prevents you from acquiring many sexually transmitted diseases; but this method is not 100% safe, be careful.

Put on the condom carefully; pinch the air out of the top when putting it on otherwise the condom can break. If you have to use lubricants, use a water-based one, otherwise other lubricating media like body lotion, butter, petroleum jelly, etc can break down latex condoms.

Use condoms of very high quality and only certified ones. Ensure condom’s health (validity, proper storage, etc).

Avoid having sex with completely strange people. Remember, condoms are not 100% safe.

While engaging in oral sex, do not forget the hygienic side. Both he and she must clean the private parts before the act.

Avoid anal sex at all (don’t forget nature’s punishment).

Avoid anal and vaginal penetration during the course of single intercourse session.

Avoid using uncertified oils (in case of vaginal dryness), and other substances for lubrication; this is essential to prevent fungal and other infections.

Avoid having sex with sex workers, for the very apparent reasons which we all know. Do not rely on condoms.

Sex is a natural drive which, if done properly while taking care of the necessary precautions, can give you the pleasure which no other act can offer.